Futile Existence

June 17, 2019

Sometimes in life, it seems we hit the proverbial wall.  Even when we think we are moving things forward and changing the culture, are we really? Are we in truth just spinning our wheels and hoping for a different outcome?  The definition of moronic comes to mind.

 

I have wall in front of me. It is large. It is thick. It can be unkind and unpleasant to deal with at times.  It can create more barriers as it chooses and on a whim at that. At times it seems to gain pleasure in creating additional barriers for me. The irony is this barrier sees itself as protective and I am starting to wonder if maybe that is true to a certain degree


I had a dear mentor and friend tell me once that 'rejection is protection.'  It is something I quote to my students when they are feeling overwhelmed with a personal loss or a personal goal they seek isn't being met.  While I am feeling the rejection, it must be considered that I am being protected from something.  Another mentor and friend said to me once that I am being prepared for something much greater by all the things this wall is presenting.  I also hope that is true and the irony in it all may involve walking away from the proverbial wall simply because who cam move a wall...seriously!!


I am a tenacious being.  I tend to refuse 'no' as a viable answer to almost any question. There is always a way, but sometimes it must be a bit creative in nature. This is part of what has given me the successes i have experienced in this life, but this wall....I have never had something like this show up in my life in this way and I absolutely don't have the resilience to manage it, or potentially, I value the human I inhabit more than what I would have to sacrifice to become a part of what the wall would have me become.  A good friend encourages me.  She provides perspective and support.  She offers me other aspects to consider in life and how to find balance, equity, and peace.  There are times when it works. There are times when the wall seems to be falling down on my head and burying me alive. One of the worst qualities of this wall is It projections emotion and expectations on me and then faults me for its own existence in my life, or for not recognizing it as for the power it represents. Such a funny thing this wall.  I never knew I could feel these kinds of feelings for such an extended time.

 

Sometimes, I wonder if the wall feels things in the same way I do. If the wall wishes I didn’t exist...or at least didn’t exist so nearby. I am a constant source of wearing down, climbing over, burrow under, or spelunk around this established barrier. A never ending reminder of its very existence--as I am clearly not a wall at all. I am growing weary of the challenge before me.  I am considering walking away and letting the wall win-whatever that might ultimately mean.The wall permeates my existence and therefore my hope for humanity and my future wanes and maintains inconsistency.

 

I want to give you hope, support, and encouragement to face your own walls in life.  But all I see is the barrier trying to contain me as less than I am meant to be. So I try to survive. Sometimes I sleep in its shade and hope it will all come to an end. Sometimes the rain comes through me in more ways than I ever thought humanly possible. Sometimes I feel like I am loosing my mind.  It makes me question my skill.  It makes me question my sanity.  It makes me question my purpose. It is a heavy undertaking for the soul. I guess the one thing I can offer is this: When encountering a wall in life, don't assume that everyone is in it together.  Walls don't move--they just knock you down.

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Tracey Bonner

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