Life is such a journey. An awkward and humbling pathway toward something I still don't think I understand completely. I always assumed at some point I would feel settled. contented. I thought I would find the thing that could make me feel whole or complete or rooted somehow. I continue to be unsettled and desirous of something I have yet to find. As I age, I find I am still seeking when I assumed that part of my life would be over. A gypsy...still searching for the purpose that somehow eludes me. Still seeking the sun on my face in the way I believe I am meant to experience it. Still living with hope that the world can be a the place I dream it to be.
There are currently a multitude of pathways and intersections around me. Semblances and thoughts of change create pause as I drive the roundabout in my mind attempting to process all the details that lay about me and the trepidation they create. The uncertainty is stifling and yet somehow settling at the same time.
No amount of planning or contemplating can take the edge off of the possibilities or help me find the right answers. There is excitement and fear. A desire to lean into the unknown with excitement and wanting to hold onto what is safe and known. Thoughts of needing new challenges and completing current ones are at constant odds in my heart and mind. Do these possibilities represent the saving grace I have asked for, or is there something else around the bend waiting for me to discover it?
I am humbled by recent experiences. Creating two remarkable pieces of art that have mad a difference in the world, and working on another that will premiere the end of this month. For someone who constantly struggles to see the good in what I do, even the fast that i can say these works were remarkable says something. As most of us are, I am my own worst critic, and yet I stumble forward. Making art. Trying to make a difference. Trying to influence. Trying to make the world a better place than I found it. Trying to bloom where I am planted. Would it have been a different experience if I had planted in some other place?
The ability I have been give to influence hearts and minds. To give back to a world in such a way that has given me so much, and yet at times it feels that is no longer enough for me. It might sound selfish to say that publicly, and yet I know there is something more. Choosing to continue to expect more, when all the circumstances that surround you tell you not to and that you need to expect less. Using your humanity and vulnerability as a tool for personal growth and community enlightenment when others would say that is idealism and you should let it go. Carrying high expectations that the world will meet you where you put those expectations and continuing to be disappointed by the things that surround you...is it me or is it them?
Is this just the way the jaded world is now or did I somehow land on a foreign island where I can't speak the language, I don't like the food, and my idea of community isn't the same as theirs. I believe we as a society are all so afraid of our own humanity that we hide from each other to some degree. We display the parts that others say are worthy and we don't seek authenticity. Part of me wants to go back to playing in the sandbox when it was easy to see who was willing to share and play and who needed their parent to show them how. It's so much harder to know as adults who will share their toys.
So dear reader, I don't have an answer. I wish I did. I wish I could swish my wand and gain the insight that I seek because then I would share it with you. Life has a funny way of teaching you by giving you exactly what you need when you need it and presenting you with new possibilities when they might be the best thing that ever happened or the biggest mistake you could ever make. The multidimensional beings we inhabit here are meant for so much more than we can ever accomplish. Maybe legacy and life is about realizing you can't change the world, but you can provide an alternative for the people around you to function better within it. I still don't have an answer. I hope the pathways and intersections will lead me home...